Jo (00:00)
What happened when I shared my greatest shame?
Welcome back to Reconnect Her Fire, and I'm Jo, a wealth and identity mentor for female founders who are fed up playing small and ready to level up to their next level of success, wealth, abundance, and joy. And today I want to talk to you about this week I attended a supper, a dinner in London. It was an invite that I went and attended with 20 other beautiful people who I'd never met before.
And Andrea McLean. She had created this evening all about shame. The word shame, which most people will literally hide from. They will find a corner and they will go away because nobody really likes to bring that word up. But it's something I've worked with for years with women.
And that's going on about 18 years now because shame is the reason we hide, we fear, we hold ourselves back, we pretend not to be the big version that we can be, and we don't ever want to see ourselves in any other way sometimes because that shame has consumed our entire identity. It consumes what we do and what we believe about ourselves.
And so when I originally saw the advert come up, I had only met Andrea McLean a few weeks ago at a previous event at my networking group that I go to, the Global Women, and she was talking all about then about her book, which is this one.
Shameless, and if you've want a read, please buy the book. It's an amazing account, and it helps other women realise that actually what we're ashamed of is easier to let go than you ever imagined when you're with the right people. So when I saw the advert, I was like, Wow, do I go? And something inside of me went, Yes, there was a price to the ticket.
Which most people would have frowned upon, but I jumped in anyway because something inside of me said you need to be there. And I thought, okay. Well, I gathered the conversation is going to be deep, which I always prefer. Shallow conversations don't fulfil me as much, and I often will leave a conversation if it's gossip or negative or it's not actually empowering me or helping find solutions. So
The fact this was going to bring together like-minded people who were willing to show up, willing to show their flaws, willing to be vulnerable, really does intrigue me. So I arrived, I didn't actually have massive expectations of it because I didn't know what the evening was to entail.
And so once we got into the conversations, we were all asked to stand up and speak about something that we're ashamed of, that's held us back, or that we're aware that we need to work with. Now, I didn't go into this conversation thinking I was just about to reveal something I'd never
Revealed about myself before. It wasn't something I initially thought would even come up. I'd buried this one quite deep, and I knew it was there, but I didn't have it at the forefront consciously. So when I stood up, I started explaining my life's journey that five years ago I turned my life upside down.
But without much thought, what came out was suddenly this huge thing that I'd been holding since I was seventeen years old. And without, well, any control, it flew out. But there was something remarkable that happened. And that was I was in the presence of safety. Because what I hadn't
Seen before was again I was in a room of people, of souls that were supportive, that were holding, that were caring, and actually they were willing to listen without judgment, without any rejection, without being made to feel I was different.
And whatever I said just blurted out. And it even took me by shock because it wasn't part of the story. You know what it's like. You're waiting for everybody else to stand up and do their five-minute speech. So your mind starts racing, going, what shall I say? What's the best thing? How do I come across right? And in the end, I was thinking, β Jo, just cut this out and just listen. And whatever comes out will come out.
And I don't really want to make a fool of myself, but if that's what happens, I'm not gonna be here. We're in a room talking about shameless and not to be ashamed when you make a mistake. But once my speech had ended, the applause was quite loud. As in, I think it hit a lot of raw nerves.
But the remarkable thing is, everybody held a story of remarkable shame that they had also been holding. And it was the most empowering evening I could honestly say I've ever sat with such souls that could be like this. And what a refreshing way to be. Instead of walking around day in, day out, putting the mask on, trying your best to hide who you are, pretend to fit in, act as if what you believe.
Everybody else wants you to be, and wonder why your life feels so unfulfilled, and you hold resentment and you hold judgment and you criticize yourself and others, or because deep down you're too ashamed to show up as your authentic self. And that's what I can relate to my life. Because all my life that was exactly who I was, but it doesn't have to be that for you.
And shame is one of those words that triggers a lot of people. And shame isn't something we're born with. We weren't born feeling ashamed. We were born feeling confident, outgoing. We weren't given shame when we were born, but we had it put on us.
And it wasn't necessarily done on purpose, but we've had it put on us throughout our life and we've carried it, believing it was ours to carry. And it's almost like having that weighted rucksack on full of heavy rocks. Until we learn to take those rocks out, see them for what they are, and let them be witnessed.
We can put that weight away, we can put it down, and we don't ever have to carry it again. And that's the lightness that you start to feel. Now, as I'm a trauma-informed coach, one of the things that we used to do in the very beginning of the training was learning to understand what shame is and how to let it go.
And this still is the most proven, fastest, effective method you could ever use. And I'm not saying it's for everybody, because everybody's got their own idea of their levels of what they feel. But when shame can be seen, it can be witnessed, it can be held, and I'm talking by supportive people.
This is not what you would go and hold to somebody that you knew A wasn't even on that wavelength or would make a judgment call against you because that isn't going to be a place that you're going to feel relief. You're probably going to end up being more traumatised because of their reaction. And you don't want to just surprise somebody. So you always have to be in a group or with the right people.
That are willing to be there when you let go of shame. Because it's how that energy of the people around you hold it is how easy it either releases or it re-traumatises you. In other words, it makes you feel even worse for letting that out. You wish you hadn't done it. And that isn't exactly what anybody wants. So if you've got a friend.
A partner, maybe, or you've recently reached out to a coach or therapist, and you've built that trust and you understand they are the ones that will literally hold that for you. But it doesn't mean you've got to do it. But it just really interested me how powerful.
And how beautiful though that energy was. That every single person in that room, and it was full of CEOs, high-tech, there was men and women from every different kind of background, professional, who had had some of the most horrific stories, but each person held it. And the rest of us were holding. And it was just magical.
And that's the blessings in life when you actually put yourself in rooms like this. And instead of reading the word shame, it's almost see it's like somebody there can actually help you. And again, I put myself in a room where I can tell you, this time last year, I would never have believed I could be. But the more I shift my identity to be sat around such powerful.
People and they are. They're powerful in how they hold themselves and they believe in themselves and how they present and show up each day. They're powerful with the love and the non judgment. They're powerful in what they create for others and how they help humanity. And each person sat there had their own way of doing it.
And that was the magic. So my question to you today is where are you stretching yourself? Where is your new identity taking you? Where have you now positioned yourself? Whenever we want to expand, we're gonna hit limits, we're gonna hit levels that we feel, β I can't get over that one. And it's often because of the beliefs.
And I keep saying this, our beliefs are our they're the ladder up out of the pain and despair, or they're the ladder that you'll go back into the pit and remain there. You have a choice which ladder and direction it goes, and you have a choice how quick or fast you want to work with this. But changing your identity is the key.
To moving into the version of you that already holds your goals and dreams. Whenever we are imagining our dreams, whenever we are imagining what we want in life, first of all, we always go to the fault of thinking of how it's going to go wrong and why it will go wrong and why we shouldn't show up or why we shouldn't be seen or why we shouldn't get on social media more often and talk about what it is. But really.
What's underneath that is often the lie, the belief, the shame of being told you're not good enough, being judged or criticised, even yourself. When really your soul is calling out for you to level up because you deserve the wealth. You're ready for it.
You're ready to step into that new version of you. You want the expansion, you want more clients, but you're still staying stuck. Now, in the videos I've done this week, I've spoken quite a lot about this because it is a major thing. It was me last year. I
Diverted instead of moving forward as fast as I wished I could have done. But it's not until now can I see it and fully understand it. I would then divert and look for other things to sort of bring into my life, feeling that was the route to take when it wasn't. The route to take was just to grasp and follow that one path.
But the beliefs I had last year didn't match the version of me that I was trying to step into. So my self was trying to keep safe and small, and then it would divert and look for anything to distract me from the path I was taking because it was me reaching my upper limit.
And there would have been some shame underneath that. And even this week, having that supportive network, and they were strangers, I'd only met them that evening. To be able to release what I felt was my biggest shame, the next day I was exhausted mentally because I realized I just let something go.
That had really been so powerful in holding me in a spot for far too long. And it hadn't even been related to work. But there was a part of me that just did not want to be seen fully. It felt it was going to be picked on, bullied, shamed for how I looked.
But letting that go has changed, and even the last few days, the whole entire feeling inside has leveled. It's almost like let go of something that I wasn't aware of was there, but now I just feel a completely different person in some ways, in the best way possible, and things are possible. And where's the next level that I'm going to?
So, what I want you to really gain from today's podcast, and if you're watching this on YouTube, is are there anything that's come consciously into your mind that you would feel ashamed of just expressing it to anyone? That's a way to know because if that was what was holding you back, would you not like to try to let it go?
To maybe go and seek some support or some help, or be with people that would able to just hold that.
Maybe it's a question you need to ask yourself. Because until you empower yourself, nobody's going to come along and do it. And no matter how often we try, if we don't get the right support, we can actually make ourselves go backwards or feel worse about ourselves. And that's not what life's about. I started my journey five years ago.
And I let go of everything that was fundamentally, well, materialistically, the house, the job, the career, the NHS pension, because that's what I was told I was believing to be the right way to go forward. When in actual fact, when I spoke my story on Monday night, I heard it again in a completely different way of actually.
Why? Why are we even why why do we hold on to all these titles, these things that we believe are there for the right reasons when actual fact it's just that we're so used and to the conditioning, to the patterns that we're copying day in, day out, and the beliefs that we hold that no longer serve us.
So again, start digging up those beliefs because once you can replace them with more empowering ones, you'll be the version of you that holds those goals and dreams. And just remember, every single dream that comes in your mind was already yours.
You've all there's already a version of you that holds it. There's just an energetic frequency that you need to tune into. And to do that is to start believing that you can hold it, that you're worthy of it, that you're capable of it, and then start making room in your life energetically, physically, and mentally to become the version of you that already has it. Because how would she show up?
How would she wake up in the morning full of stress and worry and worries about the day, thinking the worst outcomes, dreading what's going to go? Would she wake up feeling a little less and do maybe something to help her mind calm down immediately? Maybe she'd do a meditation, maybe she would just visualize what her day would actually go and how it would go.
Maybe she'd have a slower morning before the world woke up around her. Maybe she'd make time for herself during that day. Maybe she'd look out for all the little miracles already there instead of focusing all the things that can go wrong. Maybe she'd appreciate more of what's around her and realise that she's already surrounded by abundance.
Maybe her gratitude would improve, even when things weren't going the way she wished, but they still had something inside of them that she could find the good in. That's the magic we all hold inside of us. When we can calm the mind, when we can let go of the things that no longer are serving us right now, the beliefs, the patterns, and we can face our own shame and let it go.
We reveal who we always were before, before the noise, before the beliefs were put on us, before the shame was put on us, before the conditioning happened, before the mind was programmed to run a completely different story than what we wanted, what we desired.
And it's so sad because you'll hear people say when they mention their dreams, they almost say them like they were lost and they were never theirs. They were always yours. They were given to you to remember, to remind yourself what you're capable of. And if you choose you and you put yourself first and you decide you're worthy of them.
Then there's nothing else in the laws of the universe that won't bring them to you. It's having the faith, it's having a belief that you're worthy of them that will start the process. So if there's anything here today that's opening your mind to suggest maybe I can. What if I could? How would I? And you would like to know more.
My coaching program, and it's a group coaching program purposely for women, because when we come together, we can feel safe and we can move faster together. Our energies connect. But most of all, it's all for women that want to rise, that want to let go of the fears, that want the old limiting beliefs to be the past, to create the beliefs that actually bring them.
Further, faster towards their desires and dreams. So if you're interested, please message me either on here or on social media and just ask yourself: if I was the version who held my desires and dreams, what would our actions today really be?
Would she be hesitant or would she just jumply bold into something? Because I knew I truly know and understand this now, that people that hold success, that hold money, they make decisions quick. They listen to their gut reaction, which is often the first thing we hear, yes, we want something, but then we let the conscious mind kick in, don't we? Giving us all the reasons why we shouldn't.
But they will listen and act on the very first voice that they hear is like, I would love that. But and when the minute the but comes, they disengage from that and they act on the first because they know that's their truth. Might not feel logical, might not feel safe to do it, but they act on it. And that's the difference between a successful business owner and somebody that stays stuck at the same level for far too long.
And I've learned unless I got support and until I got the professional help, the coaches, the mentors, I was that version for
too long. I started my business over four years ago, and it was just stuck. It was frozen. It wasn't growing. It wasn't growing to the level I wished it could. But in the last few months, I've almost tripled my income monthly, and it's growing every month because I completely changed.
How I was manifesting and understood it was about creating the identity of the version who already has it. And that's the work we do in this group. We start building the identity of you that already owns herself, who knows she's confident she's worthy, who knows anything's capable, and is willing to take the steps to become her.
So until next time, with much love and gratitude.
